I LOVE THIS.
There's this thing that happens when I rejoin the circus. It's profound in a way that most wouldn't understand. It's a look, a smile, a simple sit in silence that lets too much time apart fall away. It lets years meld into weeks or days and puts all of those who truly mean so much to me right where they should be. Proximity. Heart and soul.
I wonder at times, does this band that is oh-so-much more than 'A. Band.' have any concept of the impact they make beyond the big ideas and the emotional catharses offered. I wonder do they know the bonds that have been formed between real people, real lives, that would likely never have occurred had they not been a starting point.
Right now it's tough to make a re-entry into The. Real. World. - which is pathetically surreal to my soul, most of the time- So tough. And yet, holding onto the past week gives me enough oxygen to keep going.
So I raise a defiant fist, my sandwich held high- for the that is the GA-way- and I say to ALL who have touched my life more than you will ever likely know...
Thanks and see ya's soon.
1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
Tough question. The past few years have been so fantastic for me in the realm of 'personal novelty' and adventure...
However, I think this was the first year that I began doing things FOR MY SELF. I put myself first in ways that I never have before. Did I become selfish? No. Did I begin to start a path of sanity? Perhaps...
It's been quite the quiet adventure so far.
( Collapse )
Yeah. I remember now why it is that I love this band SO much. Maybe I hadn't forgotten entirely. Maybe it'd all gone a bit dormant. Regardless, I remember, now.
The tour's only begun, but it's already over for me... sad...
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.
At first it was a lark, not that I don't believe in a lot of the tenants adhered to within the science, but at the time I wasn't in the sort of head space to say - Okay, I'm open to this right now. For the most part, it seemed like a good way to offer something 'free' to someone who needed it- the woman I'm working with is a client and she needed help financially to take care of her pets- while I could get a little entertainment/possible insight for myself in the process. I wholeheartedly believe in the barter system, people!!! Anyway, as luck would have it we got together on a night when I was a little tired, a little raw and maybe it actually was the right sort of space to be in to let things in.
Letting things in, gleaning information, hearing what she had to say is what I did for the first three sessions. I think being guarded at the beginning was more how and who I am than any real suspicion about what was going to be presented. Then I got a little spooked/awed when she brought up so many, many things from my natal chart on that very first night and my internal dialogue was going - Has this woman had a spycam on me for ... well... all of my life? The first session was presenting my chart. Just that was enough to make my head spin, although I didn't let on about it. The second meeting was more intense starting the Saturn workshop, essentially a review of the last two years. In that I was dredging up emotions I never expected to confront from 2007-2009, but still I didn't let any of that out. The third, still Saturn, was working through Karmic apology and forgiveness in the barest bones sense. She gives a guide of how to do that, but never asks for any personal details. Yet even without my mentioning personal things, she brought up very concrete things - to the point of saying 'what is your connection with Hawaii?'- NO ONE here knows I went to Hawaii, and they certainly don't know the expansiveness of my connection associated with why I went there and who I went with. That's the private me, and yet she somehow was pulling out these things that nearly made me hyperventilate. I guess it turned the tide a bit in my realisation that this was more than just a lark. This stuff is serious business...
I had my fourth session with her yesterday. At the start, she'd decided to incorporate information from a seminar she'd taken about opening the doors to success. She started out with the idea of professional success for me which could never hurt but I'm not really in need of at the moment. Still, it was safe space for me. She knows me professionally so we wouldn't have to tread do much on personal turf. She incorporated these ideas with the still-going Saturn workshop... One day we'll be done with Saturn in the last cycle, one day... Admittedly, I was a little distracted at the beginning, things she said made sense but again, my internal dialogue was saying- this person who did this seminar is really just personalizing basic theories of psychology- but I didn't want to be rude so I listened. Plus, there's the extrapolation that the theories could work in all places in your life that you're blocking yourself from success... In that light, it had potential...
As we talked, we diverged and eventually, consciously got a little more personal. After about two hours [a normal session is meant to be about an hour/hour and half long] I began to let some things out. I didn't realise I let a lot of things out. I'd only said one or two sentences, but they wound up being HUGE. I thought she was going to fall out of her chair at one point with a simple sentence that incorporated, the mention of a certain band and an off the cuff comment my father made about music and what it meant to me when I was a teenager and what it wouldn't [he was wrong] mean to me when I was an adult. It might sound ridiculous, but it was intense and it made me feel like I was open to all the positive potential energies that are out there. It was like a light was turned on, and it really got fascinating then. We went on for another two hours and there was an absolute frisson in the air even while we were trying to wind down.
It's rare for me to find people who really GET who I am. I mean who I REALLY am, not the image that I force myself to project through my day to day life simply to make it through. This person really gets me. I don't know if it's just because she has what could essentially be considered a road map in front of her as to who I am- the energies I came in with and the path I'm trying to follow- or if we've just managed to connect on levels that I rarely find, but it's liberating and a little overwhelming.
Now I feel like I've been handed a whopping box of - here's the direction your soul wants and needs to follow in order to live how you're really meant to, in order for you to find that sustaining joy that life is meant to be about- NOW what are you gonna do about it??
As Saturn does his thing, I have to do mine. As luck would have it, I've got about two months to get the foundation built before he pours his concrete and I'm set to build up from there.
Did I mention overwhelming??
As a side note, one of the things I 'let out' is that I like to write. Of course, she already 'knew' that, and had asked me about it in a couple of our sessions. At those times, I let it slide, but yesterday we talked about it. Although not in great depth, I mentioned that I've dabbled in fiction, prose, etc. Then as we were chatting through, she asked me if I'd seen a website called 'I Write Like' ... and I hadn't. She said it's fun, that I should check it out. She mentioned this simply as a 'it's a fun thing to do to waste a little time' not in the realm of finding a path or anything. When I got home I made it round to LJ on my occasional catch up and surprisingly [not] the first entry I read on my FL mentioned the site. What're the odds, really?
I toyed around with it today, pasting in bits of things I've written.
I did find it interesting that if it was 'my' work, there was a definite trend in author styles, versus if I was writing in someone elses' voice, say in a journal/rp fashion, the authors were in a very different style category. I even chanced taking sections from different life stages in some of my now-defunct, alas much missed, past ongoing 'characters' to see if their voices changed. They did. That made me curious about tone and the ability to capture character voice as a part of true authorship. Something to consider further, I think.
While I know the site is a bit of a lark, and truly just for fun, the company of authors they put me in was very, very surprising, not who I would've expected for the most part.
Good company though. And I realised again just how much I MISS writing.
So going to see roads_outgrown
SO going to see The Swell Season at the Ryman.
None of this was happening an hour ago.
Spontaneity. FUCK YEAH!
She thinks I'm insane for being so excited about the games opening, and the next two weeks. I told her she's missed out on a magnificent experience. So there.
Already getting goosebumps and the occasional teary eye listening to the lead-up!
Additionally, kind of weird to realise I was just in Vancouver a few short months ago, and at BC Place, no less...